HELP WANTED
Dick Bulger’s Landscaping Empire – “We Mow, You Owe”™
Are you an aging, decrepit CB radio operator with a questionable work ethic and a burning desire to operate heavy machinery at a very slow pace? Then boy, do we have a job for you!
We are currently hiring Lawn Maintenance Specialists (a.k.a. old dudes with bad knees pushing mowers with walker attachments). No experience required—except for:
Years of yelling into a CB radio about “the good ol’ days” A lifelong commitment to drinking gas station coffee The ability to cuss out squirrels for getting in the way A deep, unshakable hatred for “these new-fangled electric mowers”
Perks Include:
Paid in warm beer and expired scratch tickets
Lunch break at whatever gas station has the best hot dog roller
Company-provided CB radio so you can talk to no one in particular while mowing
Flexible hours—show up whenever your back stops hurting
Duties:
Push a specialized, walker-fitted lawnmower while complaining loudly
Shout things like “This ain’t how we used to do it back in ‘78!”
Occasionally trim bushes (or just pretend to and take a nap in the truck)
Sweat profusely while calling your supervisor (Dick) a “damn idiot”
Serious applicants only! (Just kidding, we’re desperate.) Apply today by finding Dick at the VFW bar or responding via CB Channel 19 with the codeword: “Grassmaster 10-4”.
