BREAKING NEWS: Dick Bulger Wins Boston Marathon’s “Obsolete White Republican Men” Division After Mistaking Route for Sandwich Line
Boston, MA — In what can only be described as an act of divine indigestion and confusion, Dick Bulger, a notorious CB radio degenerate from East Boston, has shockingly crossed the finish line of the 2025 Boston Marathon, clinching victory in the newly created “Obsolete White Republican Men” category—a division originally meant as a sarcastic footnote but now recognized by the U.S. Senate.
Witnesses say Bulger appeared at mile marker 22 wearing cutoff cargo shorts, a nicotine-stained tank top, and orthopedic New Balances with what seemed to be ham radio wire duct-taped to his thighs. He carried a half-eaten roast beef sandwich in one hand and a vintage CB radio in the other, which he used to shout, “Breaker breaker 19, where’s the gravy?”
When questioned how he managed to run the entire course, Bulger responded, “Run?! I thought I was headed to New Deal in Revere. I just followed the crowd and yelled at anyone in spandex.”
He was initially disqualified after urinating into a traffic cone and calling a state trooper “a liberal beef thief,” but race officials quickly reinstated him after discovering the Obsolete White Republican Men category was legally required to include “one man who smells like cigar ash and desperation.”
Former competitors included:
- A confused Larry Kudlow impersonator with shin splints.
- A man named Dale who thought the race was a “Save the Cheeseburger” protest.
- Billygoat, who was disqualified after asking Calvin from Canada if he could “borrow a slab of bacon and a lung.”
Bulger was last seen staggering into a nearby Olive Garden, attempting to bless a breadstick like it was holy Eucharist and yelling, “I am the Pope now! Get me a Sprite and a pack of Marlboros!”
Boston has declared today a citywide emergency of mild bewilderment.
